I’ve always looked to the person next to me to see how I should respond. This typically arises in situations that are uncomfortable, cheesy and emotional. We all grow up with some feedback loop, usually tied to our parents and how we obtain their love. For me, I would get negative feedback if I tried to be emotional or vulnerable. It’s like I’ve been wrestling myself all these years as a closet emotional. Time and time again I’ve brought my true self out of the dark and been pushed back in. This wasn’t just in my upbringing. When we step out into the world we have to remember that everyone is walking around with their guard up. I know that criticalness is a coping mechanism, one that gives us the delusion that we’re safe. It’s a false sense of security because ultimately it destroys us. It keeps us an arm length away and never allows us to really be “known”.
I look to my left; I look to my right to see how people are responding. I’ve never responded to something without fear. I’ve never responded to something without holding back a little. Whenever I have allowed myself to try, I’ve been pushed back under. Johnny and I began our marriage encouraging each other’s criticalness. We used the guise of “social justice” to accomplish this. Our desires have always been incredibly pure; we want to bring healing and redemption into our community. I’ve always felt this draw. From a very young age I desired to live a life that carried grace and love. Unfortunately, I was given a lot of negative feedback when I tried to be raw and real. At age 11 I found that a piece of paper was the most forgiving thing I had ever known. A piece of paper would take everything I had to say and accept it, no strings attached. This is how I became a writer. Years down the road I would read my poetry to someone while they stood in shock. I realized that my writing exposed so much more about me than I let on in person. People would say, “where did this come from?” and I would say, “It’s been here all along…this is me.” Someone who always encouraged my creativity and emotional nature was my grandma. She was a safe person to express myself around because she, herself, was free. When she passed away un-expectantly I knew the only way I was going to process her death was through writing. I wrote her a poem that communicated everything I wanted to tell her and everything that she encouraged within me through our relationship. Normally standing up in front of a lot of people and being emotional is hard for me…not with poetry. Poetry is my safe place; it’s the thing that translates my thoughts into communicable words. It gives me a buffer. I stood up at my grandma’s memorial and shared my heart openly with a room full of people. My brothers did the same. It was a moment where we all allowed one another to be vulnerable. But the most beautiful moment of the day was when the most critical person in my life was given a glimpse into who we were as people and responded, not critically, but emotionally, communicating that he was proud. I watch people build up callouses over years and years so that finally when it’s time to be vulnerable they can’t bear it. This is when those detrimental coping mechanisms come out. Sooner or later others see us as our false self. We start to expect that person to be critical, or whatever it is, and no longer give them room to change and grow. This is a terrible and unfortunate cycle that I’ve felt stuck in myself. It’s hard for people to change and it can be an incredibly vulnerable time. We get so used to someone being a certain way that it’s almost just as uncomfortable for us to see them trying to change. Tony Robbins has said, “We’re meant to grow so we have something to give.” Being steeped in critical feedback for so long has created a desire in me to push through fears and give others permission to be who they are with no judgments. It’s so easy for so many of us to make fun of people we don’t understand. How many times have you pointed out someone on the street or pulled up someone’s social media page with a friend so that you can make fun of it? We train ourselves to be judgmental and leave no room to learn from and grow with people that are different from us. We need to give people room and freedom. We’ve all been told that people who are mean are usually people who don’t like themselves. Being “mean” is just putting up walls of protection. We’ve learned through feedback loops that being critical, mean or judgmental can protect us in the moment. Overall, it ruins our chance at relationships and growth. We have to play the long game and start practicing acceptance in small day-to-day situations. We all want to feel free. A lot of us are drawn to nature for this very reason. Nature doesn’t judge us. When we hike to the top of a mountain and look out at the expanse we feel as if we can just be. When we’re around others and cultural expectations we feel stifled. There is a certain amount of catering to others in conversations and actions, we do need to learn to be people who don’t “over share” or expect everyone to “get it”. This would be where I was when Johnny and I were first married. Our perceived “vulnerability” was just us thinking we had figured it out and that we knew better than other people. My critical nature was still there; I just didn’t recognize it because I was pursuing “goodness” overall. I don’t regret how I’ve acted in the past. These things had to happen for me to understand how my coping mechanisms were isolating me from others. I tried to act like I knew best, like I was more free and open, that I was living the most selfless life…but these things were all walls. I wasn’t truly being vulnerable. I was working off of perceived vulnerability. I was able to create a façade without opening myself up to too much criticism. If I did good things then people couldn’t judge me, is what I thought. That way I could look as if I was being vulnerable when in reality I was living in fear. I’ve overcome these fears by practicing vulnerability when it was uncomfortable for me, by sharing my weaknesses, by coming to the realization that I am not the only one pursuing these things and that I am not “all knowing”. I’ve always been the person to “hold it all together” on the outside when in reality I am more emotional than people know. As I mentioned, when I expressed these things growing up the response to them was negative…and so I learned to hide them. When I married Johnny I knew that he was critical and somewhat judgmental but I also saw in him this desire to grow and change, which is ultimately what led me to marrying him. We both had the same story. We wanted to learn how to be free from our critical patterns. It’s been seven years of growing with him and we are finally experiencing HUGE breakthroughs. I have never seen Johnny so healthy and light. I have never seen us this way together. Even last night as we were watching an emotional documentary I looked over to him to see if I had permission to respond to the documentary in the way I felt. This led us into that conversation. He told me that he had gotten teary as he watched it and I not only felt permission to be emotional myself but I saw him giving himself permission. Together we allowed each other space to respond how we wanted to. Johnny and I both grew up in the church. I am so thankful for the beautiful qualities this upbringing instilled in us but also aware of the unintentional stifling it brought. Because we were already prone to being critical and “all knowing” as individuals, the church exacerbated some of those qualities. For those of you who know the stories of Jesus, you’ll recall that he did not approve of the Pharisees, AKA the uber religious men, who were judgmental and claimed to be “all knowing”. Do you see where I’m going here? Once I realized that Jesus came to bring freedom and the permission to experience God directly without having to jump through hoops it changed the way I thought about “religion”. It also changed the way I saw the world and myself. We shame people into changing because we were shamed into changing as children. Putting shame on people and thinking we know best gives us this sense of control. And it does work sometimes. People will changed when shamed or criticized enough. We continue that loop. I am realizing that this is my calling. TO GIVE OTHERS PERMISSION. Every time I find myself really drawn to someone I notice a common thread; they are someone who gives others permission. They create a safe space around them for every single person they come in contact with. This is who I strive to be but I need help. I need grace and understand from others when I mess up and don’t achieve that goal. Failure is okay and even beneficial as long as we’re striving and pushing past our fears. GIVE PEOPLE PERMISSION. LIVE WITH LESS FEAR. BE AUTHENTIC.
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It's normal. It really is.
Stress. Depression. Panic. Unease. It gets worse with that slow, mellow, drowning on the daily. It gets worse when we aren't in control. When we have no sanctuary. Nothing to look forward to. It's when we're misunderstood. It's when we're exhausted but can't sleep. It's when our mind doesn't turn off. At night. I lie awake. Trying to come to terms. Trying to control what happens next by thinking about it endlessly. Sometimes my heart beat won't slow. Sometimes my mind won't just go To sleep. They should put me in AA. My hereditary marks me with Allergies and Anxiety. Allergies I've fought with healing foods and cleansing. Anxiety rears it's head when I'm fending off the daily demons. When I have no control. Nothing to look forward to. And nothing to hold. Our culture has founded this feeling. By aggressively speaking: "SUCCEED SUCCEED SUCCEED" "DO IT ALL. DO IT ALL. DO IT ALL." Wendell Berry comes in beautifully And says, "When despair for the world grows in me and I wake in the night at the least sound in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be, I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds. I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief. I come into the presence of still water. And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free." We need to gather up a tool box And fend off the thoughts When they become all-consuming When they steal our joy And our sleep We need to plan adventures Things to look forward to We need to meditate Take baths Read books Write poems Take herbs to support us Eat food to stabilize us Go into the wilderness Get away from everyone Love ourselves Let others love us Anxiety is hard to combat. Sometimes our circumstances are unavoidable but with a tool box in place we can support our bodies through it. {I've created two herbal supports for Anxiety and have a third for Depression on the way. The mind is what fascinates me the most and I plan on specializing in Nutritional Therapy, Herbalism and Poetry Therapy for those who suffer from the debilitating aspects of Anxiety. You're not alone…not even close.} We have big dreams and small means. We dream, we scheme, we tackle everything with more determination than funding. We throw our hands up in surrender EVERY OTHER DAY. We feel hope and hopelessness simultaneously and the weight of modern culture excessively. We continue to learn, grow and inhabit our lives in whatever way we need to in a moment. Sometimes that means sorting through boxes in the basement, reminding us of how little we really need and wondering how it all accumulated in the first place. Sometimes living in the moment means crying, talking to our therapists and allowing ourselves to be upset. Sometimes it means re-focusing our vision, changing our steps and practicing a whole lot of patience.
There are a lot of people who think we already live on the property. A few times a week someone asks me when we're moving. Most recently people have been asking me if our tiny house is on the property. I LOVE that people are interested in what we are doing, but it is a little painful knowing it could be another year or more before that's a reality. We work our asses off and save ferociously but our income does not allow us to move very quickly. For those of you who know our history, we've put a lot of time into building/remodeling at the cost of moving forward into "careers" that make us come alive. This mostly affects Johnny since I don't have many building skills. Besides our financial status we also want to go slow in this process so that Johnny has time to work on the things he cares about. We've been re-building our tiny house in the back yard in order to have a space to ourselves. Our first house was built as a bedroom because we lived with one of my best friends and we didn't mind sharing the main house with her. Things have changed and once again Johnny is building instead of pursuing his passions. That said, as much as we want to move I don't want him to be overwhelmed with yet another building project or obligation. I want him to be free. He has such a beautiful mind and I want to see what he can do! This whole process has felt like layers and layers of planning on a shoestring budget. (check out our blog series: Turning 20 Dollars into 20 Acres) We have a lot of ground to cover before moving. Did you know that drilling a well can cost up to $30,000 or more? Did you know that running electricity is a couple thousand as well as graveling a driveway? Did you know that building a house is a lot of money AND work? Yeah, you know that. So this is why we don't live out there yet. Trust me, we wish we did. So that's where we are at. When we move out there you will know! For now we're trying to enjoy the small moments and keep ourselves sane as we live in the chaos and unknown. Two days ago I walked into a piercing shop and spontaneously re-pierced my nose and introduced a brand new septum piercing to my face. To some people this may not seem like anything unusual, especially those of us who live in Portland, Oregon. Tattoos and piercings are a normal everyday accessory in this town. For me, there is something deeper. It means I am coming back to myself; re-infusing my life with where I began. This is not to say that where I was just a few months ago was a bad place; it was just a place where growth was begging to be allowed.
Everything Johnny and I took on over the last 7 years of our marriage was evoked by honest intentions. Our desire to serve and care for others was the core of our union but the truth remained: we were young and naïve. We allowed our wellbeing to take the backseat and we took on too much weight. For a while we thought the state of the world was in our hands. And while I haven’t let go of the desire to live a life that takes that into account, it wasn’t our burden to bear alone. We felt isolated from our spiritual friends as we took a very narrow path. This stems from my childhood growing up in the church. I was taught extensively about how to be a servant but not how to set boundaries. This is a common issue in Christianity as I see people give everything they have for others and feel guilty for taking care of themselves. Did we forget that Jesus sat down and ate nice meals with friends? Or that he commonly went off on his own into nature? I love the foundation I received as a child but as I’ve become an adult I’ve had to learn how to instill healthy boundaries. Many people have seen what happens when you don’t take time for yourself and only serve others: BURNOUT. This is what happened with Johnny and I. We tried to live out of our ideals without the boundaries and ended up resenting our situation. I will spare all the details of our situation and give you the bullet points: -Johnny and I have only lived alone for a few months in our marriage -We have had 27 roommates in 6 years -We have hosted over 100 people in our house -Meanwhile our house was fully ripped apart with no kitchen for 3 of those years The first time we realized we needed to do something for ourselves was when I miscarried a pregnancy 2 months in. This was during a time where we had no kitchen and people were living and staying with us. Ultimately I am an introvert who does not like to be around people during emotional times. This was awful for me. I told Johnny that it was finally time we do something for us. This led us to planning a 2-month pilgrimage to South Africa. During that trip we were inspired to come home and save up to buy land. Unfortunately this meant we continued to live with people in order to save more money for that dream. Now that we own land we realize it may not have been worth the neglect we showed ourselves for 7 years. My neglect also brought on my allergies. The stress of the house coupled with all the dust and mold I was breathing in during the remodel triggered my hereditary predisposition to allergies. Thankfully nutrition and self-care has saved me from that “life sentence” but I don’t ever want to go back to that place. That said the time is now. It’s the year of Johnny and Bailey and we’re coming in hot. We have never really allowed ourselves any luxuries so a few of the things we’ve done for ourselves so far: -Johnny bought me a massage for my birthday -We got gym memberships so we can go sauna at night -We’re extending our tiny house in the backyard so we can fully live in it and are separate from roommates. Up until now we only used that space to sleep in and as our living room. Now we will have all the amenities. -We are both letting ourselves relax more and do things we love…just because -Johnny has bought “new” clothes and started dressing how he likes. -I have cut my hair off for a change and pierced my face. Also, we began confronting things and people in our life that we’ve been avoiding. We are being more communicative with the people in our lives and setting healthy boundaries so we don’t slip back into the place we were. These may seem like simple little things but it’s all helping us go back to the chill people we were before we tried to take on everything. I will always want to be a servant in my life but if I speak of the importance of self-care and boundaries then I need to put that into practice. I felt like I lost my power over the last 7 years. I felt like I lost a part of myself that I love. These simple piercings are another reminder that I have some control in my life and that I don’t have to withhold “luxuries” from myself anymore. These simple acts make me feel more like myself, more in love with my husband, more in control and more able to help others because I first cared for myself, Soft diffused light surrounds me, the smell of old wood and "our" scent, the one we've created together over the years, the smell you immediately recognize after coming home from a long vacation. Every night I come into this sanctuary, and it is mine, for now. Drink in one hand, pen in the other, I write. I've always been a writer. It reminds me of the pursuit of things that make me come alive. I've always been good at this, pursuing things I love at the sake of success or acknowledgement, you're looking at a girl that wrote thousands of poems, hundreds of songs and danced her heart out over a 10 year time frame in the confines of her bedroom, while the rest of her high school peers were getting drunk and sleeping around. I've always known myself, I've definitely gotten to know myself better, but I feel incredibly fortunate to have known for so long the core of myself. Hard times come and go and I feel stronger afterwards, not weaker. Life is very weird, we hang in this delicate balance of living and dying each and every day, and I can say with gusto that I have truly LIVED these last six years. NO regrets. My life feels full. Each and every time I get caught up in the idea that once I arrive somewhere else I will be happy, I am reminded of the constant transient nature of life. Happiness is a weird word, we attach it to things, and we wait for it to come. To me, happiness exists in a mind palace, not in a literal place. I've learned this as my own home has been a shanty, a shared existence and always less than ideal. I've had to find happiness somewhere else, somewhere within me instead of expecting the things around me to bring it. I've found it in the mystery of community, the good and the bad, the stationary and the movement. It is the culmination of living true to one's self. It's when we don't allow ourselves the freedom to do what we really want or be who we really are that we lose happiness. I LOVE to write, I LOVE to dance, I LOVE music, I LOVE friends, I LOVE warm fires, I LOVE good nutritious food…each and every day I try and incorporate these things into my life. What are the things that make you come alive? What are you waiting for? Do them. This next year looks like a lot of hard work for Johnny and I. But I don't want to lose that freedom, those moments of self care and self expression. You can work hard, make money, do the things you need to do and also allow your freedom to ring. So don't hold back, you only get one life. Live it up.
-Bailey I’ve never been incredible at one thing. I’ve split my skills like a hunk of wood into many different pieces, but put together, they make a blazing fire. Maybe I am good at one thing, it just happens to be the culmination of many things, and it happens to be the pursuit of greatness, wholeness and truth. But from what I’ve found, everyone does not agree upon these things, there are plethora of things that taint truth. This has been my biggest war in life, the thing I’ve wanted to understand but can’t. So, I’ve dedicated my life to figuring out what that means, at least for my family and myself. This is what I do. This is what Johnny and I do. We are constantly asking questions and pursuing whatever seems to be the most beneficial to the world at large but we also pursue ourselves. This is key because without that piece we can never fully accomplish what we are here to do, and that is being true, honest, raw, intentional, caring, giving…the list goes on. The world is broken, it happened a long time ago but it seems to get worse the more people we have crammed together. We live in a volatile generation with lack of health, happiness and peace. Our brains have grown so smart that they have forgotten limits, and now we digress. It is our goal to revisit these limits, explore simplicity and sustainability, not because we are weirdos, as some like to label us, but because we want deep connection in life. We don’t want to live by a strip mall and breathe in car fumes for the rest of our days, we don’t want a 9-5 office job or one vacation a year. We want tradition, nature and community infused in our life everyday and we want to be free from degenerative disease. We want freedom in its purest form. We’ve found that corporations, money and power rule the world at the expense of the world. People don’t like to face the facts because the facts suck. They are the worst. It feels hopeless, I know, but I want to imagine that with enough people moving back into simplicity, away from consumerism and greed, that we could support our earth rather than ravaging it. People say to me, “we’re going to die anyway, what is the point?” It’s true, and this usually comes from the people who benefit the most from corporate society. We all say we care about those who are suffering or impoverished in our own country, but we can’t fully care without facing the facts. Society benefits some at the expense of others. The most important thing I believe we could do is feed ourselves. This is why we want to buy land so badly. Whoever controls food, controls the world, and right now, in this county, that is Monsanto/Our government. The American diet is 80% CORN & SOY, brought to you by our tax dollars. So this is what we are fed, and this is why we are degenerating, why disease is wiping us out slowly. I’ve never been incredible at one thing because I see that been self-reliant is the ultimate. To work hard, grow/raise nutrient dense food, play music, write poetry, create beauty, live with intention, all in ways that benefit those around me. The American life is a parasite. We must break free from this system if we are to live in a life giving way. And that is what I want to be incredible at.
These days we talk about issues like a popcorn machine. Today there is this this and this. Tomorrow it's something else. Social media has connected us to EVERYTHING, and we cannot support that weight. I've faced the issues head on, it started when I was 17. I remember a turning point, where I was exposed to something I could not ignore. All of a sudden I was handed this thing and I had to decide what to do with it. I brought it to the forefront of my life and I tried to spur others to see it the same, and not just see it, but do something about it. No one came along side me and it was the beginning of my discontentedness as well as my fervor to push forward. These two feelings have always co-existed for me, I try hard for a season, burn out and then feel lost again till inspiration finds me.
As many of you know, we have been in the process of trying to buy land for a year now. The vision started 6 years ago because of "the weight of it all" this was my answer to the question, "what can be done?" and we've been working hard toward it ever since. For the first 3 years we worked hard in tangible ways, ways that didn't make us any money but gave us the experiences we needed to make this decision. We remodeled a house, hosted hundreds of guests, cleaned up after people, gave people money, shared space, started a community garden, traveled to South Africa to work on farms, and much more. For the last 3 years we have hunkered down with jobs and worked hard to make the money we need for our land. Our work has never been conventional, and I've always given too much of my self and money away. because of these two things, we really don't make that much money, although we work hard. Our work isn't appreciated by the modern culture. (besides Johnny's barista job and my floral design) Day to day we are working hard studying and learning everything we can be successful in the future. This doesn't make us any money, but it's what matters the most to us. I didn't go to college. I didn't see the point of being in school for 4 years plus and being in debt to do something I ultimately didn't want to do. I was told, "you have to do it this way, this is the way it's done". Instead I started my own business and went to trade school for 3 years to study plant medicine and Nutritional Therapy. If you've read any of my other posts you know how important these things are to me. And I know how much they can help people, but still, it's not a job that is going to make me a millionaire. These were my choices, yes, but I've never understood why I needed to waste time doing something I didn't want to do in order to accomplish my dreams. Unfortunately, I'm at this crossroad, where I realize my dreams will never come to fruition without the help of others. In this culture it seems everyone wants me to work "hard" according to the typical system (9-5 job) and earn what I have. It's a depressing system. My dream is to start a retreat center on a piece of property where I can do week long Nutritional Therapy workshops that truly give people the time to relax and change their habits. I imagine cabins people can stay in, saunas, salt water soaking tubs, space to do cooking classes, and of course space to grow true nutrient dense food. The world operates on such a high frequency, I want to create a space people can come and have no obligations. We've lost this ability as a culture, and we feel that weight in many ways. I want a different life than the stays quo, and I want to share that with people. Honestly, I am at a really weird place right now. I'm suppose to be feeling this excitement of completing school and being a Nutritional Therapy Practitioner but the day after I graduated was the day I was told we weren't approved for enough money to buy anything. (well only one property, which was sold later that week) And since then it's been a cluster of mixed emotions, stresses and let downs. I don't know how to start my business while I'm in limbo and we have to move out of Portland within the next 5 months. (because of our living situation). I stay positive most days, but I miss having a community of support. It's been mainly Johnny and I on our own through all these processes and I honestly don't know what I am doing half the time. I've been really happy and content for the last year and sometimes there is a time and place for feeling sadness when faced with the unknowns. I haven't lost hope, I just can't see the light yet. Trying to balance doing things that matter with doing things that make money is a hard thing to do. And trying to respond to the weight of issues being put on us daily is hard. And continuing with a positive attitude is hard. Overall, I know things will work out. Just let me wallow for a moment. As Wendell Berry says, "To make public protest against an evil and yet live dependent on and in support of a way of life that is the source of the evil, is an obvious contradiction and a dangerous one. If one disagrees with nomadism and the violence of our society, then one is under an obligation to take up some permanent dwelling place and cultivate the possibility of peace in it. If one feels endangered by meaninglessness, then one is under an obligation to refuse meaningless pleasures and to resist meaningless work, and to give up the moral comfort and the excuses of the mentality of specialization." That's what I'm trying to do…it's not simple. |
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Bailey Patrice & Jonathan DavidCategories
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Date
December 2017
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